R U OK day came and went – and no one asked. Perhaps they were too afraid. My world has crashed due to a horrendously negative, cruel attack that did not come from the internet trolls I was warned were waiting ‘out there’, online, waiting for a victim to abuse further.
It, like so many negative responses, has come from a closer source and was more vitriolic than I could ever have expected. Those ‘body memories’ are now controlling my life. My first reaction to the knot in the stomach is to restrict food, usually the beginning of anorexia and bulimia, so my fear is the return of ‘Mary’ and I have stated loudly in the past that I will not live that experience again.
I am tired of fighting. I am tired of being abused, however I believe this person needs to be made accountable but wonder if I have the strength for another fight. I am hoping my anger and desire for redress will surmount the fear and shame, the knot in the stomach that is Mary, because should Mary return there is only one outcome.
Hence, I have found blogging difficult; difficult to find inspiration, difficult to find the need or purpose to continue particularly when told by a psychologist that perhaps I should give up continuing with the book. It was suggested that I ‘tried’ putting the book out there and it has caused too much pain. Perhaps, I should accept that I tried and could not ‘cope’. My goal should be to accept that decision and move on with that acceptance.
That word acceptance continues to resurface and I still ponder it. This new psychologist has no understanding of my 40 year struggle with duality – me and she – Liz and Mary. How do I explain to him that whatever decision I make, whatever choice/path I take, there will always be another voice demanding her truth?
I continued with the book to fulfil Mary’s need to be heard and to tell of her pain, but I, Liz just want to stuff it all back inside and continue living with the façade that the world has seen, hiding Mary for as long as I can.
In truth, both of us find the journey unbearable.