My scalp is encased in a skull cap that is two sizes too small and an invisible force is tightening the pressure. The pain radiates down either side of my neck and across both shoulders. My face tingles and is numb at the same time. This weird feeling flows down my body spreading out around the knot in my stomach. My legs feel as if they will collapse.
Apparently what my body is experiencing is a memory, a flashback to a past trauma that is now a conditioned response to stress. It is also what I recall as the beginnings of ‘Mary’.
The ‘management’ is for me to continuously remind myself that it is a body memory, a flashback to a time when I felt unsafe, not a response to my current situation.
So, what triggered this response?
I ‘came out’ in my workplace this week. The story is out there now, no holds barred! While no doubt a shock to my colleagues it was very emotional for me also. It is another week before I have to walk back through the door and act as if all is ‘normal.’ I hope they are able to do the same.
I hope I am able to move past this feeling and it does not signal the return of ‘Mary’. In the postscript of my book I wrote the following.
While it was Mary’s greatest desire and belief that she would feel validated if the story was published, Liz may feel immense shame, and fears reverting to Mary once more. I will deal with it as it arises.